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Our Crazy English Language 

Gotta love English. I mean, you really have to love it to learn it, because too often it makes absolutely no sense, especially to a little kid.

Let’s face it, English is a crazy language.  There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger, and neither apples nor pine in a pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England, and French fries were not invented in France.  Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads—which aren’t sweet—are meat.  

We take English for granted, but if we explore some of its paradoxes, we find that quicksand is slow, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is not from Guinea and is not a pig!

1)      The bandage was wound around his leg to cover his wound.

2)      The dump was full, and had to refuse further refuse.

3)       We must polish the Polish furniture.

4)       He could lead if he would get the lead out, but the one who arrived first won.

5)       The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

6)       There’s no time like the present.  It’s time to present the presents in her presence.

7)       A large-mouthed bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

8)       Startled, the dove dove into the bushes.

9)       I did not object to the object.

10)   The insurance on the invalid was invalid.

11)   There was a row among the oarsmen about who could row the best.

12)   We were too close to the door to close it.

13)   When does are near, a buck does funny things.

14)   Not watching their steps, a seamstress and a sewer fell into a sewer.

15)   On her farm, a woman worked to produce produce.

16)   She wanted to sow, but her sow ate the grain; so she chose to sew.

17)   Next, she hitched her cow to a plough to make a trough.

18)   Then she decided to combine her combines.

19)   She shed a tear when she saw a tear in her dress.

20)  John had to write to the right people to keep his rights during his rites.

Why is it that writers write and painters paint, but fingers don’t fing?  Why don’t grocers groce, why don’t hammers ham, and why don’t dumpsters dumpst?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?  

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn’t the plural of booth be beeth?  One goose, two geese, so one moose, two meese? One mouse, two mice, means one house, two hice?  And one index, two indices?  If you have more than one ibex, why don’t you have ibices?  

If teachers have taught, so why haven’t preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats vegetables, then what does a humanitarian eat?  In what kind of language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?  

Why must we ship by transport and transport by ship?  Who else has a nose that runs and feet that smell?

People can sit on a bough, though, and cough through the night as they re-read a red book to say they re-read it. Why had the cops sought the sot?  The photographers knot all fought for the shot, and not just for naught.  Does the fuzz think there was proof of blood on a wood floor?  

At the height of their leisure, neither had the sleight to seize the feisty weird sovereign poltergeist, so they had to forfeit the foreign heifer’s counterfeit protein.    (Spelling rule: "i before e except after c”……?)

English was invented by people, not by computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which of course is not a race at all.  That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up while it’s burning down, forms are filled out by being filled in, and an alarm that’s gone off is still going on!

But please—could someone explain why “Buick” doesn’t rhyme with “quick”?

Sources:  Paul Gatts, Sholeh Patrick, reddit.com









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